Heart on sale….wait.

As I stated in the last post, I will share how I know what to expect for my love life from now on.

First of all, I do not wish to be noticed as “Single” and available. I’m not interested in meeting anyone right now or the idea of being with anyone.  I’ve met the perfect man for me and I’m letting God handle the rest.  I might be single the rest of my life. Or, He might have a husband in store for me. I’m willing to focus on growing as a woman of the Lord and establish a deeper understanding of maturity and womanhood through Christ-centered friendships and role models.

With my ex, even as I was not looking to God at the time we dated, I noticed a few things that must exist in my marriage:

Jesus!

Roles of man and woman as God created them

Family—the love for it and the addition of new members, God willing

Great friendship with each other and each other’s friends

Interest in the community that use our talents and strengths, both as a couple and as individuals

Prayer. How can we be honest and open with each other if we are not daily talking to God—our clever Matchmaker

Finally, a love so pure and humble that it just glows from our eyes and the words we speak to each other.

 

This is really hard for me to share, because I have experienced this love. My ex and I were perfect for each other. So perfect, we didn’t bother to protect ourselves from the chance (and inevitable) that we will let each other down. Now…I am 99.999% certain that the one thing that would have changed us is allowing God in to the relationship too. Yeah, we still would sin and hurt each other over time, not on purpose, never on purpose, but because we think we can do what we cannot (be perfect).  I’ve tried to protect him once and it turned out I was foolishly trying to be more powerful than I was. I needed him to do what I couldn’t from the get go, and that was be assertive to someone else. Taking that power away from him by lying to him just left three months of time to shade his view of me with the question of how trustworthy am I at all? One lie. One secret that I left behind me was surfaced in the most twisted and unpleasant way. I’m thankful I learned this lesson about myself now and not down the road, but the pain is not at all light. I still hurt from this daily because of how deeply I love him. I assume he is still hurting but I don’t know, we don’t talk. If I could tell him anything it would be that I still love him and I’ve cut off the poison that leaked into our relationship for good. I’m trying my best and God is doing what I cannot do alone. Praise Him on high for all great forgiveness and love! Thank You, Father for teaching me and loving me when I feel the least loved. In Jesus’ name.

Finally a good one

Dreamt a good dream for once last night after about two months of usually unpleasant ones.  The place it left me was a place of peace and hope that time apart is really a good thing. There will be so much for me to learn over the summer and many people to talk to.  This will be great for sure. I pray he will be ok, that he finds God where he needs Him through the mundane and the normal things. That would be really cool. I pray for change in my community of friends this summer, both for good and growth.

It occurred to me at dinner tonight that my lifestyle choices really are impacting how my friends view me. I don't want to watch the same things anymore, or talk about the same things in the same manner of joking and such. Is this making me a worse version of me? I don't think so. Am I being different to get noticed? No way, Hosea! I don't want to be noticed--in fact, the thing I want to do most this summer is hide from people.
                                                  That isn't going to happen.

There has been too much change in my heart for God. As I type this, I'm thinking "do you ever NOT refer to God anymore?" I guess it is hard for me not to. I'm still the same, hurt human being I was two months ago, I'm just dependent on different lifestyle choices that will bring a higher fulfillment to my heart and God's kingdom.

You guys, I'm pretty certain that in not too long from now, I will ease back into "normal" Sarah mode. I will watch tv again, when I feel like it. I will still watch the movies I really badly want to see and I still listen to music like crazy everyday. I will hang out just to be silly and cry with you when you are upset. Life isn't that different now that I'm loving God again, I just make sure He gets the credit and no one else! It is because of His love for me that I have been so loving to many of you in times past and today. It is because of His forgivness that I am so quick to forgive someone who might have wronged me or hurt my feelings. It is because of His grace and compassion that I care SO DARN MUCH all the time for people!! He's been a part of my life for my entire life.

Many seasons of my life, usually involving the times I've dated guys, I have fallen away from God. Every time I break up with them or they with me, I grow a tremendous amount closer in understanding of why life is the way it is and how the Father wants us to run to Him for life.
You know, I think that shows a lot about why I love God so much. Time and time again, I say, "Yeah I love you God" but find a guy who I like or as in the last man in my life, love, and idolize them over God. I seek for finding myself in the physical versus the spiritual. Yeah, that time is over. I pray a lot now for protection over my emotions in the future. I ask Him to show me when and if I meet my future husband, that we not jump right in to dating. I think I'm going to make a post solely about that...

Goodness, this is a long one! I hope this clears some things up a little for those of you wondering why such a drastic change in this young woman's life? If you do care to know more, whether something is bothering you about it or whatever, please ask me. I strive to be honest with people and the best way I can do that is if you ask me questions.

Honesty matters so much to me, even if it means the chance I might share something ugly. Hiding the bad parts does no good, trust me on that one. That's another story to share....maybe, eventually one day. Thanks for reading this far if you have, and may God bless you in your week!

Love, SjB

God is a Great Humbler

So, I knew posting the last one wasn't going to be spot on or perfect, because it was partially a venting session and part sharing of faith...so I knew I was going to be wrong at some point. I'm happy I so quickly see what that is now, thanks to God's blessed servants and friends of mine.

First, I apologize for being a little unclear. I was hurt about the whole death thing. I realize now that may people are saying "yay he is dead" for the benefits of him no longer leading others, etc. and they may not actually be focused on how good it is he is dead. I guess it just rubbed me wrong this morning to hear joyful cheers in the words about death. That's where my heart was broken, not in the fact the terror by bin Laden himself is ceased. That is so, so good!

Second, I will probably vent on here again in the future. I have been given a compassionate heart, so I tend to need to express my thoughts before it overwhelms me. When this happens, I can easily miss outiside factors the one thing that hurts me, and then miss the fact I may be somehow judgemental or....I don't know, anything not loving. So please, will you forgive me and explain to me where I am wrong? I need that to grow, so pretty please share with me in as clear and calm way as you can, so that I may be receptive and understanding of the need to be taught. Thank you so much, friends!

Much love, in Jesus name!
SjB

I don't take happiness in death..how can I?

Ok I am going to say it: How can you rejoice in the DEATH of anyone? I don't care if it is Hitler or Osama or the murderer of your loved one. It is EVIL that controlled the man which led to disaster, every person who has lived on this planet is the son or daughter of God. Evil will not rest because another has passed in its control.

Yes, I am happy for a second that somehow people will be blessed by his death...or will they? This frightens me even more then. What will be of our people and the people we try to protect over there when we killed a "famous" evil leader? Surely his followers will not be thankful that we killed him.

Is it justice we love so much? "Yay, we killed him! He got what was coming to him!" Or is that just spewing back to the enemy what they said about their targeted people. "Yay! We killed those Americans! Allah will be so proud!" I mean, do you get this?

    The Lord God has told us through Paul in Romans 2: "You may think you can condemn such people, but you are just as bad, and you have no excuse! When you say they are wicked and should be punished, you are condemning yourself, for you who judge others do these very same things.  And we know that God, in his justice, will punish anyone who does such things.  Since you judge others for doing these things, why do you think you can avoid God’s judgment when you do the same things? Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin?"

Ok, I know that because a lot of you have different opinions about all these things I am saying, there might be a lot of frustration at me. Please hold on a minute before you lash out at me..open your Bible. Seek what God thinks. 

In the Old Testament, He encourages the death of the wicked, YES. This is true. Yet after Jesus died for ALL of us, He says let Me be the Judge. Let me do with the evil men and women what I decide. But until then, pray. Love. Forgive. Live your lives as lovers and leave the fighting to Me and Evil. Praise God He takes the duty off our backs! Everything we do is in relationship to what God has us do. Ask Him. Don't just do what you want, you are human. We are human. Evil is in our blood but we are saved by the grace of Christ our Lord who reigns forever and ever! Our slate is wiped clean by the Blood, when we say with our mouths and believe with our hearts that Jesus is Lord. So I understand in loving criticizm if I have said something in the wrong wording...it happens. Tell me. But please, please take the time and ask God how you should feel right now. Ask God. He knows the best for you. Amen