One of the many faves..

"His Name"-He Is We

Why am I so afraid of the night?
My silhouette it taunts me
My lack of faith in this beautiful life
My knowing of it haunts me
I'm haunted and know I should be afraid

Lay awake at night
Cry you know its not alright to feel like you’re falling into nothing
You can learn to fly
Just call
His name
Just call His name

Suddenly I wonder why I feel so alone
I know there’s something out there
Thought I’d suck it up and do it all on my own
Wish I'd known He does care
I'm haunted
And I know I should be afraid

Lay awake at night
Cry you know it’s not alright to feel like you’re falling into nothing
You can learn to fly
Just call
His name
Just call His name

Where do we go?
Call out His name
Lift up our hands
Completely ashamed
Give it all up
Dropping our pride
Rip us apart
Change us on the inside
Now change us now (we cry out to you we fall on our knees)

Lay awake at night
Cry you know it’s not alright to feel like you’re falling into nothing
You can learn to fly
Just call
His name
Just call His name 

Heart on sale….wait.

As I stated in the last post, I will share how I know what to expect for my love life from now on.

First of all, I do not wish to be noticed as “Single” and available. I’m not interested in meeting anyone right now or the idea of being with anyone.  I’ve met the perfect man for me and I’m letting God handle the rest.  I might be single the rest of my life. Or, He might have a husband in store for me. I’m willing to focus on growing as a woman of the Lord and establish a deeper understanding of maturity and womanhood through Christ-centered friendships and role models.

With my ex, even as I was not looking to God at the time we dated, I noticed a few things that must exist in my marriage:

Jesus!

Roles of man and woman as God created them

Family—the love for it and the addition of new members, God willing

Great friendship with each other and each other’s friends

Interest in the community that use our talents and strengths, both as a couple and as individuals

Prayer. How can we be honest and open with each other if we are not daily talking to God—our clever Matchmaker

Finally, a love so pure and humble that it just glows from our eyes and the words we speak to each other.

 

This is really hard for me to share, because I have experienced this love. My ex and I were perfect for each other. So perfect, we didn’t bother to protect ourselves from the chance (and inevitable) that we will let each other down. Now…I am 99.999% certain that the one thing that would have changed us is allowing God in to the relationship too. Yeah, we still would sin and hurt each other over time, not on purpose, never on purpose, but because we think we can do what we cannot (be perfect).  I’ve tried to protect him once and it turned out I was foolishly trying to be more powerful than I was. I needed him to do what I couldn’t from the get go, and that was be assertive to someone else. Taking that power away from him by lying to him just left three months of time to shade his view of me with the question of how trustworthy am I at all? One lie. One secret that I left behind me was surfaced in the most twisted and unpleasant way. I’m thankful I learned this lesson about myself now and not down the road, but the pain is not at all light. I still hurt from this daily because of how deeply I love him. I assume he is still hurting but I don’t know, we don’t talk. If I could tell him anything it would be that I still love him and I’ve cut off the poison that leaked into our relationship for good. I’m trying my best and God is doing what I cannot do alone. Praise Him on high for all great forgiveness and love! Thank You, Father for teaching me and loving me when I feel the least loved. In Jesus’ name.

Finally a good one

Dreamt a good dream for once last night after about two months of usually unpleasant ones.  The place it left me was a place of peace and hope that time apart is really a good thing. There will be so much for me to learn over the summer and many people to talk to.  This will be great for sure. I pray he will be ok, that he finds God where he needs Him through the mundane and the normal things. That would be really cool. I pray for change in my community of friends this summer, both for good and growth.

It occurred to me at dinner tonight that my lifestyle choices really are impacting how my friends view me. I don't want to watch the same things anymore, or talk about the same things in the same manner of joking and such. Is this making me a worse version of me? I don't think so. Am I being different to get noticed? No way, Hosea! I don't want to be noticed--in fact, the thing I want to do most this summer is hide from people.
                                                  That isn't going to happen.

There has been too much change in my heart for God. As I type this, I'm thinking "do you ever NOT refer to God anymore?" I guess it is hard for me not to. I'm still the same, hurt human being I was two months ago, I'm just dependent on different lifestyle choices that will bring a higher fulfillment to my heart and God's kingdom.

You guys, I'm pretty certain that in not too long from now, I will ease back into "normal" Sarah mode. I will watch tv again, when I feel like it. I will still watch the movies I really badly want to see and I still listen to music like crazy everyday. I will hang out just to be silly and cry with you when you are upset. Life isn't that different now that I'm loving God again, I just make sure He gets the credit and no one else! It is because of His love for me that I have been so loving to many of you in times past and today. It is because of His forgivness that I am so quick to forgive someone who might have wronged me or hurt my feelings. It is because of His grace and compassion that I care SO DARN MUCH all the time for people!! He's been a part of my life for my entire life.

Many seasons of my life, usually involving the times I've dated guys, I have fallen away from God. Every time I break up with them or they with me, I grow a tremendous amount closer in understanding of why life is the way it is and how the Father wants us to run to Him for life.
You know, I think that shows a lot about why I love God so much. Time and time again, I say, "Yeah I love you God" but find a guy who I like or as in the last man in my life, love, and idolize them over God. I seek for finding myself in the physical versus the spiritual. Yeah, that time is over. I pray a lot now for protection over my emotions in the future. I ask Him to show me when and if I meet my future husband, that we not jump right in to dating. I think I'm going to make a post solely about that...

Goodness, this is a long one! I hope this clears some things up a little for those of you wondering why such a drastic change in this young woman's life? If you do care to know more, whether something is bothering you about it or whatever, please ask me. I strive to be honest with people and the best way I can do that is if you ask me questions.

Honesty matters so much to me, even if it means the chance I might share something ugly. Hiding the bad parts does no good, trust me on that one. That's another story to share....maybe, eventually one day. Thanks for reading this far if you have, and may God bless you in your week!

Love, SjB

God is a Great Humbler

So, I knew posting the last one wasn't going to be spot on or perfect, because it was partially a venting session and part sharing of faith...so I knew I was going to be wrong at some point. I'm happy I so quickly see what that is now, thanks to God's blessed servants and friends of mine.

First, I apologize for being a little unclear. I was hurt about the whole death thing. I realize now that may people are saying "yay he is dead" for the benefits of him no longer leading others, etc. and they may not actually be focused on how good it is he is dead. I guess it just rubbed me wrong this morning to hear joyful cheers in the words about death. That's where my heart was broken, not in the fact the terror by bin Laden himself is ceased. That is so, so good!

Second, I will probably vent on here again in the future. I have been given a compassionate heart, so I tend to need to express my thoughts before it overwhelms me. When this happens, I can easily miss outiside factors the one thing that hurts me, and then miss the fact I may be somehow judgemental or....I don't know, anything not loving. So please, will you forgive me and explain to me where I am wrong? I need that to grow, so pretty please share with me in as clear and calm way as you can, so that I may be receptive and understanding of the need to be taught. Thank you so much, friends!

Much love, in Jesus name!
SjB

I don't take happiness in death..how can I?

Ok I am going to say it: How can you rejoice in the DEATH of anyone? I don't care if it is Hitler or Osama or the murderer of your loved one. It is EVIL that controlled the man which led to disaster, every person who has lived on this planet is the son or daughter of God. Evil will not rest because another has passed in its control.

Yes, I am happy for a second that somehow people will be blessed by his death...or will they? This frightens me even more then. What will be of our people and the people we try to protect over there when we killed a "famous" evil leader? Surely his followers will not be thankful that we killed him.

Is it justice we love so much? "Yay, we killed him! He got what was coming to him!" Or is that just spewing back to the enemy what they said about their targeted people. "Yay! We killed those Americans! Allah will be so proud!" I mean, do you get this?

    The Lord God has told us through Paul in Romans 2: "You may think you can condemn such people, but you are just as bad, and you have no excuse! When you say they are wicked and should be punished, you are condemning yourself, for you who judge others do these very same things.  And we know that God, in his justice, will punish anyone who does such things.  Since you judge others for doing these things, why do you think you can avoid God’s judgment when you do the same things? Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin?"

Ok, I know that because a lot of you have different opinions about all these things I am saying, there might be a lot of frustration at me. Please hold on a minute before you lash out at me..open your Bible. Seek what God thinks. 

In the Old Testament, He encourages the death of the wicked, YES. This is true. Yet after Jesus died for ALL of us, He says let Me be the Judge. Let me do with the evil men and women what I decide. But until then, pray. Love. Forgive. Live your lives as lovers and leave the fighting to Me and Evil. Praise God He takes the duty off our backs! Everything we do is in relationship to what God has us do. Ask Him. Don't just do what you want, you are human. We are human. Evil is in our blood but we are saved by the grace of Christ our Lord who reigns forever and ever! Our slate is wiped clean by the Blood, when we say with our mouths and believe with our hearts that Jesus is Lord. So I understand in loving criticizm if I have said something in the wrong wording...it happens. Tell me. But please, please take the time and ask God how you should feel right now. Ask God. He knows the best for you. Amen

Exactly what we are doing right now. Grr.

Tonight I dreamnt we found a fair of wonders
Where the future and the past could not contain
We were greeted by a spell that took us under
And laid down in a field there ever was

To me and you this dream we share
I believed a perfect pair
Oh, but I was wrong
This fair comes with a price
Because tonight I'll wake up twice
And, both times find you gone

Reflection
Is all we have that when it's over
Reflections
Of the path that sends us searching
Over and over again

Too quick to fall asleep again to find you
I'm rushing through a dream I can't control
This house of mirrors beckons us to walk through
But instead again I'll have to let you go
Stuck here in this stare
Revealed beyond the glare
Again you're gone
So throw a stone through these reflections
Scatter light in all directions
And sing this song

Reflection

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/reflections-lyrics-mae.html ]

Is all we have and when it's over
Reflections
Of the path that sends us searching
Over and over again
(Over and over over and over over and over over and over)

When does this physical
Meet with the spiritual
Is this the typical question?
But doubted of the up above
It looks the same
So I'm not so sure of anything
Where we'll have come from again


Reflection
Is all we have
And when it's over
Redirection
Is the path that sends us searching

Cast all my cares

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus                                                   
                                                                                Philippians 4:6-7

This is my verse of the day. Everyday, for right now. I think so much throughout every day, even as I fall asleep and start to awake.  Sadly, my thoughts are not so much given to God as tumbled about in my brain over and over until more thoughts arise. It’s a mess in there! This is something I am trying to apply daily, but it is not at all easy to do. I pray you will do it too, so that we are growing in Christ daily.

I love you my brothers and sisters!! I have not met many of you, but one day will. Praise God for the people He has put on this earth to proclaim the Good News that Jesus Christ is risen and coming again for us all! What a blessing we have to be loved by the Creator of all things. May you share the love that has been given to you first by God humbly and wholly. Amen.