I want to be a mommy when I grow up!

Children's children are a crown to the aged,
and parents are the pride of their children. (Proverbs 17:6 NIV)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm totally fine with not being a mom right now--because I know it takes time away from myself and turns it toward my child. But when I do become a mom, that's exactly what I want, to be humbled by the responsibility and love it takes to raise my children to know and see and be with Jesus. I look forward to those days, but it will have to be awhile. Where are you, prince charming ;)


Kidding. Slightly. :)

Jesus is the solid ground on which I stand.

I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
and put their trust in him. (Psalm 40:1-3 NIV)

Oh, peeps! So much is happening in my little corner of life. God is taking me through good, deep lessons about life and His people that I cherish every day. Things like babysitting consistently, so I'm being stretched as a responsible adult who can show grace and love to young people; new friends which tremendously bless me and stretch my understanding of how to be a better friend to anyone; and little household things which make me feel more knowledgable and more creative (food and art)!

My desire to keep a blog is still consistent, but I really just am soaking so much up and constantly changing, or so it seems, that I just don't want to make even more time out of each day to write about it...instead I share it with the people closest to me!! But I don't think many people are reading these posts, so I don't feel so bad. If you are, I apologize. Maybe things with change sooner than later and you'll see more of me. Until then, peace and grace be with you from Christ Jesus our savior!

Xoxo Sarah J

Garlic smells skunky. Great.

I tried too hard to peel garlic tonight for the yummy chicken bruchettta recipe and now my hands smell like skunky garlic stink. Whyyyyy? Anyways. I'm listening to the Adele station on Pandora, which is much better with all the other stations I have made over time. Right now, Ordinary Day by Vanessa Carlton is playing....ah the memories of middle school and crushes. OK, I'm rambling about silliness, yes, I know.  The reason I actually got on here to write is to to tell you all who may read this that I found a minor that encompasses professional writing! SO inevitably enough, this blog will be moved one day and be much more purposeful. I am SO excited!!

impaled by grace…or the thought of it

I may not have the best track record of consistency in any one part of my life.  But life is not consistent, I suppose. Again, after weeks of submitting my life to the Lord with the potential of freedom by His grace, there has been progress in my growth in trusting Him.  However, this week in particular has led me to consistent battles inside my heart, between me and God; I want my past and my present to collide into a better future, but that isn’t going to happen. Nothing I do will make that happen!

Also, there is this place where I continue to return to, whether it be in my dreams or in my daily life. It is a place where hanging on to the past brings me more comfort than this new ground with the Lord. He offers it every second of every bit of my life, but what do I do with it? Toss it out. Battle it. Leave it for later.

I know it would be inspiring or encouraging to know that I am ready to grasp on to Grace and take daily steps away from my identity in myself—in sin. Though I love the Lord my God most, I do not want to go there yet. Basically, I want to hurt. I want to dwell in it. For today.

Funny how things happen (not really)

So, my last post began my almost entire week of sadness and depression. It was a bit pathetic now that I look back at it...but I won't regret it. I think in the redemption from my pity-party, I began to notice things about me and my heart that I have never recognized as my own before. Like, I struggle to let God control everything around me in response to fear. I know this is what many of us struggle with...but when do you actually take it up as your own struggle? When does it become real?? It finally is real to me. Not only do I understand but I am for once in my life, reacting to change it. I recognize that I cannot change anything about myself without constant communication and help from Jesus, through reading the Word, much conversation with Him, and talking to other women. 

I'm also trying to take up the truth that I am too hard on myself. There is a time to be sorry, but I guess I word it outloud a lot harsher than I intend, and I believe what I say out loud, therefore changing what I really believe and taking on more than I need to. I am now asking God to change that about me too. I think maybe the only way I do this is from trying to focus on Him and surrender my earthly desires each day, resulting in me trying to control things instead of accepting His grace for what it is. I want to change.

A little update on me. ;)

 Well, I stayed home for school. Classes were available online through my college, so I stuck with those and am taking a full semester (praise the LORD!) so my loans are still in effect this term.  The church community here has been so strong and easy to get plugged into. I feel like even if some friendship dynamics are changing while I am home, I have no worry that I am on my own or without a close friend if I need one. Also, more importantly, I am eager to be helping others. I guess I just am really getting hooked on being of service to others sometimes. It feels so right, I mean I have a life to live and I don't think it needs to be all about me...

Alternatively, and shamelessly, I have spent an entire two days at home (avoiding people a bit) because I just want to be alone....that isn't good either. I think I struggle knowing that loving my family in Christ should be no different at the house than outside of it. It is hard for me to be in my own house because though I see my whole family growing, it is small, baby steps. Steps I want to encourage, but often want to take for them. I want to step in with eagerness for them to be closer with Jesus!! Lord providing, He keeps humbling me though. Piece by piece.

;) love life. I love how He does it.....

The Times, They are a Changin'

God, please be with me as I move to make a transition for the upcoming months. Please guide me in my choices with food, time, and money. Send your Spirit to push me into a community of followers who will support me and give me wisdom from You. Help me to give love that You help me to understand through You, to others. Help me to be a better servant to my family and to my friends. I need You every day, in every moment. Please, help me to remember to ask and to also surrender all to You.

In Your Son's Holy and Powerful Name, Jesus, 

Amen.

Something has been going on lately. I've been made aware.

  The past two weeks, I have been home on Christmas break from school. As blessed as the time has been with friends and family, I have not been feeling well again. The headaches, rough sleep, long days, and poor digestion have been dragging me down through all of it. I feel so tired of being sick. I've been sick for way too many years..and without real reason. 

Through many encounters with different friends and relatives, I am learning a lot about how what I eat truly effects my body. At first, I thought I just needed to cut back on irritants like dairy and gluten (wheat) as well as processed, unhealthy things. Well, I have been doing that for the whole fall semester. I do feel better overall than past years, BUT there is still no positive change in my health! My teeth are falling apart in strength. My digestion is painful.  My body aches. I get colds more frequently since the first one in November, like it just won't go away. And my skin, face, and nails just do not look healthy and vibrant like I feel on the inside sometimes. I'm losing steam...not all at once, but with each season of illness and each break from the busy life of work and school. Any time my body knows it can stop from the rush, it crashes. This cannot continue, or I fear when I am 30 I will be much worse off than now and less able to spend time to turn it all around.

This is my goal.

I would like to go on a no-candida(yeast free) diet over a span of three to however many months it takes to rid my body of all build up yeast storing inside my organs.  In many websites and books you will find that yeast is normal and good, but we so seldom in America do not know how our habits quickly rise its amounts in our body.  The effects of too much yeast can cause so many problems that it looks like simply "family-prone" issues like allergies, indigestion, recurring ear infections or sinus infections, poor skin health and it goes on and on. The big question for me is will anyone support me in this change?

Doctors are said not to be supportive because though the scientific research has been done, Medical schools have not been training in treating this problem after so many years of treating all of its side effects. Doctors are more like "treat and go" practitioners than holistic detectives for our health. I do thank my doctors for spending the last few years sending me in for hundreds of labs to try to solve my health problems, but the fact that they keep doing tests and keep getting normal results despite my never-fading symptoms is a HUGE sign to me that this is not the best way to give me good health. I need nutrients. I need time. I need pure ingredients entering my body, not chemically made substances controlling it.

I have come to the thought that if I took this semester at home, online, and was able to use my own kitchen, my own markets and my own house to supply myself with the items I need to start this huge change in diet and lifestyle, than I should be able to move into my rental house this June to work full time all summer and continue college on campus. The thought here is, if I don't do this now, I will never do it all the way. I will never have the support inside a dorm with friends eating normal food, cooped up inside and stuck with campus food since I do not have a full kitchen on campus. There will be too much temptation with all the normal college kids, doing their normal things that maybe will look different for me. If I am at home, won't I be able to have less pressure to live on the spur of the moment? Will I not be pushed to settle for living in the present and not worrying if staying up late tonight will mess up tomorrow? Do not mistake my intentions, I would MUCH rather stay on campus than move back home for six months. I love college life and would love to stay there as much as possible, not to mention I love the job there soooooo much I cannot imagine being gone for six months from those kiddos! I don't want to be home while my friends are at school. This is not easy for me to do, but it is conerning that I trust God in whatever He lays out for me.  I will be praying this week and see what happens. The school needs to know by next Friday. Wish me good heart!

Giving Him my best

Balancing my life is not as simple as I always hope it will be. 

I try to feel satisfied in all areas, but not too long after I feel like I had a good day I find that everything falls out of whack.

Know what I mean?

©2009-2011 *Tailgun2009

In my current challenge of faith, I'm reading a study by Priscilla Shirer called The Resolution for Women.  It is starting on week six today, but I'm finding I need to slow down before I move on. The first part of the book focused on "This is Who I Am", and moving on to "Part II. This is What I Have" is too soon for me.  You see, I am in that spot where I know what I believe, but what I believe will require me to step in full trust in the Lord, a place few of us readily admit to doing in our entire life. Maybe we give God parts to control, but we never give Him all of it. We never ask Him, "Good morning, what do you want me to do first today, Lord? .. Brush my teeth or shower? ... Eat or not eat yet? ... What do I eat today? ... " Days that we do that, we surrender our own plans, our own to-do lists, and let Him guide us.

I HAVE DONE THIS BEFORE! It is possible and friend, these are the most rewarding days I have EVER lived!

I want to share this because I need to admit that I have this level of trust with God, but I am shamefully digging my heels in the dirt, hanging on to every last bit of control in my own hands--why? Fear? But fear is not from God. Fear is from Satan. Well shoot. I just want to do this, but I'm scared. I'm scared because it is a literal constant challenge. Every moment, every single thing can be a decision to follow or to deny God's power to do things in my life. And people are watching.

People are watching. Believers are watching. Nonbelievers are watching. So, why am I not letting God change me? Isn't that the best I can do? Oh goodness. I know what I want to do next, spend some time with Jesus. Right. Now.

 

Home.

This picture is so old and quite fuzzy, I believe it is 2 cell phones old. But that's ok, I still love it. 

My new music love is Priscilla Ahn.

As far as life goes...

It is just a bit depressing. My body aches all over, my jaw is KILLING me because of the tight muscles, and I sleep more. I don't know what's going on, but maybe I am not nourished enough. I am underweight. Please pray for me to ask God more questions when eating food and going through my day to be sure I am getting what I need with what I have here on campus. It isn't easy, especially since the good foods cost so much. 

I also miss having a guy in my life.  I know this lonely phase will come and go, but I just want him there, you know? Jesus does promise He will never leave. I just keep deciding He isn't good enough some days. Gotta work on that.

I so excited!

   The time for change has yet again come in my life. The change of my responsibility for my impact on the world around me. I am deleting my Facebook tonight or tomorrow morning, making sure people get to see my status letting them know. It just is not good. Yeah, there is a lot of good in the way it connects us all. I can easily get ahold of people, especially if I don’t have their number or they don’t answer. So, it mostly is there for me to be distracted, waste time, and feel the need to share many unessecary things on the internet. No more, say I! I will make a new one when I feel like it is just a small way to connect and nothing more. I want to put more time into my blog if I’m going to do anything online socially.

I’m also finding young Christian women on blogger and their own blog sites to follow. These ladies are SO WISE! It is such a treat to learn from them.

Well, that’s all from me for now, I need a nap before work. T.T.F.N., ta-ta for now!

SjB

He is jealous for me

I'm finally starting to have more days of letting go of the person I love most and loving Jesus most. It makes me feel better...not worse. I don't know how that is possible, except to say that Jesus is all we need in our life. I still pray for him to know Him and ultimatly be just as in love if not more with Jesus than me. That would bring me greater joy and happiness than even being close friends again. It just feels so good to be at this place.

Lord,
Please create more days and hours like this one in my heart. I want to serve and be with You more than anyone else every day. Please remind me of this joy I have now when I am sad and missing him so much. Please create in him a pure and holy heart for You!

In Jesus Christ's Holy Name,
Amen

I’m sorry.

Ever since this change inside of my soul has gripped my heart and moved my eyes towards the Lord God, Jesus Christ, I have never felt so alive and so passionate. The thing is, I have failed to recognize the way that affects others around me. I’m more passionate about sharing the changes than actually applying them to my life and relationships. Part of the reason this has not really happened is because I have not been praying about them, so not even thinking about them. So, as my friends and family, will you please forgive me if I have offended you in hypocrisy or overlooked your faith in attempt to save you myself instead of letting God do all the work? Yes, I am a hypocrite. Yes, I have judged at times when I am not the Judge. Please know that it is a struggle for me to give all selfish ambition to the Lord, therefore this happens more than I even want to admit. I’m sorry for hurting you if I have, those were not my hopes at all.

Love to you as Christ as loved me,

S. B.

The call of humanity.

This is something we ALL need to live and breathe into our lives, as humanity, we must find our true purpose, that is, our call to love Jesus Christ.

One of the many faves..

"His Name"-He Is We

Why am I so afraid of the night?
My silhouette it taunts me
My lack of faith in this beautiful life
My knowing of it haunts me
I'm haunted and know I should be afraid

Lay awake at night
Cry you know its not alright to feel like you’re falling into nothing
You can learn to fly
Just call
His name
Just call His name

Suddenly I wonder why I feel so alone
I know there’s something out there
Thought I’d suck it up and do it all on my own
Wish I'd known He does care
I'm haunted
And I know I should be afraid

Lay awake at night
Cry you know it’s not alright to feel like you’re falling into nothing
You can learn to fly
Just call
His name
Just call His name

Where do we go?
Call out His name
Lift up our hands
Completely ashamed
Give it all up
Dropping our pride
Rip us apart
Change us on the inside
Now change us now (we cry out to you we fall on our knees)

Lay awake at night
Cry you know it’s not alright to feel like you’re falling into nothing
You can learn to fly
Just call
His name
Just call His name 

Heart on sale….wait.

As I stated in the last post, I will share how I know what to expect for my love life from now on.

First of all, I do not wish to be noticed as “Single” and available. I’m not interested in meeting anyone right now or the idea of being with anyone.  I’ve met the perfect man for me and I’m letting God handle the rest.  I might be single the rest of my life. Or, He might have a husband in store for me. I’m willing to focus on growing as a woman of the Lord and establish a deeper understanding of maturity and womanhood through Christ-centered friendships and role models.

With my ex, even as I was not looking to God at the time we dated, I noticed a few things that must exist in my marriage:

Jesus!

Roles of man and woman as God created them

Family—the love for it and the addition of new members, God willing

Great friendship with each other and each other’s friends

Interest in the community that use our talents and strengths, both as a couple and as individuals

Prayer. How can we be honest and open with each other if we are not daily talking to God—our clever Matchmaker

Finally, a love so pure and humble that it just glows from our eyes and the words we speak to each other.

 

This is really hard for me to share, because I have experienced this love. My ex and I were perfect for each other. So perfect, we didn’t bother to protect ourselves from the chance (and inevitable) that we will let each other down. Now…I am 99.999% certain that the one thing that would have changed us is allowing God in to the relationship too. Yeah, we still would sin and hurt each other over time, not on purpose, never on purpose, but because we think we can do what we cannot (be perfect).  I’ve tried to protect him once and it turned out I was foolishly trying to be more powerful than I was. I needed him to do what I couldn’t from the get go, and that was be assertive to someone else. Taking that power away from him by lying to him just left three months of time to shade his view of me with the question of how trustworthy am I at all? One lie. One secret that I left behind me was surfaced in the most twisted and unpleasant way. I’m thankful I learned this lesson about myself now and not down the road, but the pain is not at all light. I still hurt from this daily because of how deeply I love him. I assume he is still hurting but I don’t know, we don’t talk. If I could tell him anything it would be that I still love him and I’ve cut off the poison that leaked into our relationship for good. I’m trying my best and God is doing what I cannot do alone. Praise Him on high for all great forgiveness and love! Thank You, Father for teaching me and loving me when I feel the least loved. In Jesus’ name.

Finally a good one

Dreamt a good dream for once last night after about two months of usually unpleasant ones.  The place it left me was a place of peace and hope that time apart is really a good thing. There will be so much for me to learn over the summer and many people to talk to.  This will be great for sure. I pray he will be ok, that he finds God where he needs Him through the mundane and the normal things. That would be really cool. I pray for change in my community of friends this summer, both for good and growth.

It occurred to me at dinner tonight that my lifestyle choices really are impacting how my friends view me. I don't want to watch the same things anymore, or talk about the same things in the same manner of joking and such. Is this making me a worse version of me? I don't think so. Am I being different to get noticed? No way, Hosea! I don't want to be noticed--in fact, the thing I want to do most this summer is hide from people.
                                                  That isn't going to happen.

There has been too much change in my heart for God. As I type this, I'm thinking "do you ever NOT refer to God anymore?" I guess it is hard for me not to. I'm still the same, hurt human being I was two months ago, I'm just dependent on different lifestyle choices that will bring a higher fulfillment to my heart and God's kingdom.

You guys, I'm pretty certain that in not too long from now, I will ease back into "normal" Sarah mode. I will watch tv again, when I feel like it. I will still watch the movies I really badly want to see and I still listen to music like crazy everyday. I will hang out just to be silly and cry with you when you are upset. Life isn't that different now that I'm loving God again, I just make sure He gets the credit and no one else! It is because of His love for me that I have been so loving to many of you in times past and today. It is because of His forgivness that I am so quick to forgive someone who might have wronged me or hurt my feelings. It is because of His grace and compassion that I care SO DARN MUCH all the time for people!! He's been a part of my life for my entire life.

Many seasons of my life, usually involving the times I've dated guys, I have fallen away from God. Every time I break up with them or they with me, I grow a tremendous amount closer in understanding of why life is the way it is and how the Father wants us to run to Him for life.
You know, I think that shows a lot about why I love God so much. Time and time again, I say, "Yeah I love you God" but find a guy who I like or as in the last man in my life, love, and idolize them over God. I seek for finding myself in the physical versus the spiritual. Yeah, that time is over. I pray a lot now for protection over my emotions in the future. I ask Him to show me when and if I meet my future husband, that we not jump right in to dating. I think I'm going to make a post solely about that...

Goodness, this is a long one! I hope this clears some things up a little for those of you wondering why such a drastic change in this young woman's life? If you do care to know more, whether something is bothering you about it or whatever, please ask me. I strive to be honest with people and the best way I can do that is if you ask me questions.

Honesty matters so much to me, even if it means the chance I might share something ugly. Hiding the bad parts does no good, trust me on that one. That's another story to share....maybe, eventually one day. Thanks for reading this far if you have, and may God bless you in your week!

Love, SjB

God is a Great Humbler

So, I knew posting the last one wasn't going to be spot on or perfect, because it was partially a venting session and part sharing of faith...so I knew I was going to be wrong at some point. I'm happy I so quickly see what that is now, thanks to God's blessed servants and friends of mine.

First, I apologize for being a little unclear. I was hurt about the whole death thing. I realize now that may people are saying "yay he is dead" for the benefits of him no longer leading others, etc. and they may not actually be focused on how good it is he is dead. I guess it just rubbed me wrong this morning to hear joyful cheers in the words about death. That's where my heart was broken, not in the fact the terror by bin Laden himself is ceased. That is so, so good!

Second, I will probably vent on here again in the future. I have been given a compassionate heart, so I tend to need to express my thoughts before it overwhelms me. When this happens, I can easily miss outiside factors the one thing that hurts me, and then miss the fact I may be somehow judgemental or....I don't know, anything not loving. So please, will you forgive me and explain to me where I am wrong? I need that to grow, so pretty please share with me in as clear and calm way as you can, so that I may be receptive and understanding of the need to be taught. Thank you so much, friends!

Much love, in Jesus name!
SjB

I don't take happiness in death..how can I?

Ok I am going to say it: How can you rejoice in the DEATH of anyone? I don't care if it is Hitler or Osama or the murderer of your loved one. It is EVIL that controlled the man which led to disaster, every person who has lived on this planet is the son or daughter of God. Evil will not rest because another has passed in its control.

Yes, I am happy for a second that somehow people will be blessed by his death...or will they? This frightens me even more then. What will be of our people and the people we try to protect over there when we killed a "famous" evil leader? Surely his followers will not be thankful that we killed him.

Is it justice we love so much? "Yay, we killed him! He got what was coming to him!" Or is that just spewing back to the enemy what they said about their targeted people. "Yay! We killed those Americans! Allah will be so proud!" I mean, do you get this?

    The Lord God has told us through Paul in Romans 2: "You may think you can condemn such people, but you are just as bad, and you have no excuse! When you say they are wicked and should be punished, you are condemning yourself, for you who judge others do these very same things.  And we know that God, in his justice, will punish anyone who does such things.  Since you judge others for doing these things, why do you think you can avoid God’s judgment when you do the same things? Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin?"

Ok, I know that because a lot of you have different opinions about all these things I am saying, there might be a lot of frustration at me. Please hold on a minute before you lash out at me..open your Bible. Seek what God thinks. 

In the Old Testament, He encourages the death of the wicked, YES. This is true. Yet after Jesus died for ALL of us, He says let Me be the Judge. Let me do with the evil men and women what I decide. But until then, pray. Love. Forgive. Live your lives as lovers and leave the fighting to Me and Evil. Praise God He takes the duty off our backs! Everything we do is in relationship to what God has us do. Ask Him. Don't just do what you want, you are human. We are human. Evil is in our blood but we are saved by the grace of Christ our Lord who reigns forever and ever! Our slate is wiped clean by the Blood, when we say with our mouths and believe with our hearts that Jesus is Lord. So I understand in loving criticizm if I have said something in the wrong wording...it happens. Tell me. But please, please take the time and ask God how you should feel right now. Ask God. He knows the best for you. Amen

Exactly what we are doing right now. Grr.

Tonight I dreamnt we found a fair of wonders
Where the future and the past could not contain
We were greeted by a spell that took us under
And laid down in a field there ever was

To me and you this dream we share
I believed a perfect pair
Oh, but I was wrong
This fair comes with a price
Because tonight I'll wake up twice
And, both times find you gone

Reflection
Is all we have that when it's over
Reflections
Of the path that sends us searching
Over and over again

Too quick to fall asleep again to find you
I'm rushing through a dream I can't control
This house of mirrors beckons us to walk through
But instead again I'll have to let you go
Stuck here in this stare
Revealed beyond the glare
Again you're gone
So throw a stone through these reflections
Scatter light in all directions
And sing this song

Reflection

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/reflections-lyrics-mae.html ]

Is all we have and when it's over
Reflections
Of the path that sends us searching
Over and over again
(Over and over over and over over and over over and over)

When does this physical
Meet with the spiritual
Is this the typical question?
But doubted of the up above
It looks the same
So I'm not so sure of anything
Where we'll have come from again


Reflection
Is all we have
And when it's over
Redirection
Is the path that sends us searching

Cast all my cares

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus                                                   
                                                                                Philippians 4:6-7

This is my verse of the day. Everyday, for right now. I think so much throughout every day, even as I fall asleep and start to awake.  Sadly, my thoughts are not so much given to God as tumbled about in my brain over and over until more thoughts arise. It’s a mess in there! This is something I am trying to apply daily, but it is not at all easy to do. I pray you will do it too, so that we are growing in Christ daily.

I love you my brothers and sisters!! I have not met many of you, but one day will. Praise God for the people He has put on this earth to proclaim the Good News that Jesus Christ is risen and coming again for us all! What a blessing we have to be loved by the Creator of all things. May you share the love that has been given to you first by God humbly and wholly. Amen.